Judgment vs Curiosity: The Hidden Pattern Shaping Your Parenting
- Sharyn Feldman
- Nov 18
- 4 min read
By Sharyn Feldman,
Registered Psychotherapist & Parent Coach
If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, “Why did he DO that?” or “What’s WRONG with me today?” — you’re already familiar with the tug-of-war between judgment and curiosity.
It happens to all of us.
And it happens fast.
One moment we’re calm.
The next moment our child yells, hits, rolls their eyes, or melts down — and something in us fires up.
Before we know it, we’ve reacted with frustration, criticism, or a tone we aren’t proud of.
That moment is not a parenting failure. It’s a nervous system moment.
And understanding that is the beginning of everything.
We Are Always Choosing: Judgment or Curiosity
In every interaction with our children, there is a fork in the road — usually an unconscious one:
Do I shift into judgment?
“That was rude. You shouldn’t talk like that. Why do they keep doing this?”
Or:
Do I shift into curiosity?
“What's going on here. What do they need?”
We cannot be in both states at the same time. It's either curiosity or judgment.
Judgment closes us.
Curiosity opens us.
And because we are human — and wired for survival — judgment is our default.
Why Judgment Happens So Fast
Our brains are built to assess, scan, and decide:
Is this safe?
Is this okay?
Do I like this?
Does this fit with my values?
This is not “bad.”
It’s biology.
But in parenting, that default setting gets tricky — because when judgment takes over, we end up responding to the behaviour, and not to the child.
And behaviour is just the expression of an internal experience.
It’s communication.
It’s a clue.
It’s a signal.
Just like hunger shows up in the body, distress shows up in behaviour.
A Child’s Behaviour Is Not the Problem
When your child:
yells
slams a door
refuses
hits
shuts down
“talks back”
…their behaviour is not the issue.
The behaviour is the symptom.
The signal.
The expression of something happening inside their nervous system.
And here’s the part we forget:
Children don’t yet have the brain structure, skills, or emotional capacity to manage their inner world on their own.
Their nervous system is literally under construction.
Which is why…
Parents Are the External Nervous System for Their Children
When you became a parent, you didn’t just sign up to keep your child fed and safe.
You signed up to be their:
external regulator
model of emotional awareness
model of emotional literacy
model of self-management
steady nervous system when theirs is overwhelmed
This is not a moral burden.
This is biology and attachment science.
Children BORROW our nervous system until theirs is built.
This is how they learn:
what emotions are
how to name them
how to process them
how to settle again by watching how WE handle our own.
This is why your own regulation matters more than anything else in the home.
When Our Own Behaviour Is “Off” — It Comes from the Same Place
If you:
snap
criticize
threaten consequences
shut down
feel overwhelmed
feel resentful
or feel out of control
…it is not because you’re a “bad parent.”
It’s because your own internal state isn’t being tended to.
Your child’s behaviour pulls on something already inside you:
stress
exhaustion
old patterns
unprocessed emotions
feeling alone
feeling unsupported
feeling out of capacity
Just like their behaviour is a symptom of what’s happening inside them…
our behaviour is a symptom of what’s happening inside us.
And when we become aware of our internal state, we can choose differently.
Awareness → choice → change
Awareness → choice → change
Awareness → choice → change
This is parenting as a practice.
Curiosity Changes Everything
Curiosity is not soft.
It’s not permissive.
It’s not “letting them get away with things.”
Curiosity is:
attunement
connection
regulation
problem-solving
leadership
the pathway to teaching emotional skills
Curiosity asks:
"WHAT is actually happening right now?"
"WHAT is this behaviour trying to tell me?”
“WHAT is my child’s nervous system experiencing right now?”
“What is happening inside me right now?”
Curiosity is what allows us to meet the moment instead of reacting to it.
What Parents Need Most Is Support for Their Nervous System
You cannot provide calm if you have no calm to give.
Your child cannot borrow regulation from a system that is overwhelmed.
This is why parent therapy matters so deeply — and why I built Parent Wellness.
Parents deserve:
a place to understand their own reactions
a place to learn emotional regulation
a place to unpack their triggers
a place to get support BEFORE things escalate
a place to reconnect to themselves and their children
This work is not about managing and controlling behaviour.
It’s about strengthening the nervous system that the child relies on.
Yours.
If You Want Support — I’m Here
If this resonates with you, or you’re ready to parent from awareness instead of autopilot, I’d be honoured to support you.
Let's chat about what's currently going on in your world and how I can help.
Together, we’ll grow your capacity, not your guilt.
Parenting is a Practice.
You’re not supposed to have it all figured out.
You’re supposed to have support.
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